JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔