Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
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“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.