Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Free him
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.