please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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Go hard or stay average
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.