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My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.