[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
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I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.