I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
You Might Also Like
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?