Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
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Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.