Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
You learn something every day
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”