Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything