Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You Might Also Like
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies