[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
🤣😈🤣
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.