“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️