*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum