[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Happy Febuary everyone!
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd