Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
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I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.