I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.