I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.