I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
You better watch out
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.