I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
You Might Also Like
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!