chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[eulogy]
line?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?