Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
We’ve all been there…
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Spell check is for lasers.