Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didnāt, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, āThis presentation gets a A.ā So, no, I wasnāt one of the cool kids
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didnāt say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. š
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isnāt this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform āUncleā to look like āWife.ā
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no iām wind chimes
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
oh my gosh!!
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
It takes an entire villageās coffee to raise a child
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?