Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom