So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.