yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”