I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.