The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.