my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Hard not to take this personally
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay