{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them