Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
You Might Also Like
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen