Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
jesus, what did this guy do
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?