I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
oh u like history? name everything that happened
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.