Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary