They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Blew my mind.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.