People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
This is my bus stop.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup