SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.