In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Pikachu found the lost joint
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it