legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month