My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
incredible text to wake up to
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice