maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys