sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Tremendous stuff
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Friday
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.