One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
You Might Also Like
Okay, I’m still confused…
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
beware of dog
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.