me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
secret recipe
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon