Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.