Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.