Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.