boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If you are reading this then you are reading this
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
What
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.