A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.