Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.